I never felt in place

A few days ago I was watching a Dutch television programm De Wereld Draait Door and they had an interview with the singer of the Dutch band Typhoon (Glenn). He has suffered from a burnout and recovered from it. It this interview he said the following: 

"I always had the feeling that I never felt at home on this earth, always kind of unsafe and I always had a feeling that it was okay for me if I was not here. Although I can enjoy things in life, there was always that voice that said if it is my time to die, it is totally okay with me. A feeling of not being grounded, feeling unsafe, searching for something outside me, searching for control, feeling a void."


I was really sorry for him that he felt that way, but for me it felt like a revelation. I am not the only one who has this feeling. He dared to talk about it, it was really emotional for me. There are more people who has these what I call dark thoughts.  I am not alone in this.  


To be honest I find it very scary to talk about this feeling because the general opinion is that  you have to be grateful and happy to be alive and that always held me back from saying what I really felt. Opening up makes me vulnerable and unsafe. What will they think of me, people may think that I am an ungrateful person. But that is not what this is, it is a deeply embedded feeling  which is with me from the day I was born. 


I always believed that I was the only one who felt this, but since that interview I now know  that I am not the only one who is trying to make the best of it, trying to be positive and ignore that feeling, because it does not fit into the general belief of living your life. It is too heavy, too dark, too negative. I have learned that these emotions most of the time are not very welcome.  


I am really sorry that I do not have the feeling that it is pure joy to be alive, most of the time I feel like an alien, the outsider, the weirdo, a misfit and pretty unsafe. Struggling to get some control over all of this and searching for solutions outside myself of which I already know I will not find them there. It has to come from the inside.  


Robbie Williams wrote in his song FEEL: "I don't want to die, but I am not keen on living either". This resonates with me. Because I do enjoy certain things in life, but on the background there is always that little voice. 


My first blog in English on a very difficult subject and it scares me to open up and write about it, but I have made the decision to just do it and communicate honestly from my heart. 


For many years I tried to hide it, felt ashamed, but I know that the first step of having no longer a judgment on myself about this is acceptance. Acceptance of that what I feel, whatever the reason maybe for this belief. Acceptance of me. And I also know from experience that acceptance is quite a hard thing to feel and achieve. 


I share this because I know there will be other people in this world who will recognize this and they will realize that they are not the only one. I hope that they will find the courage to open up, be vulnerable and talk about it.